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The terror of anti-terrorism laws and why Facebook, Twitter and Google’s fail to protect privacy



Over the past couple of days I have seen quite a few articles in which people have been complaining about Facebook invading people’s privacy, being creepily Big-Brotherish and encouraging online stalkers. The tide also seems to have turned against Google, with the ever-unpopular Street View cameramen admitting that they had “inadvertently” downloaded private data from household Wi-Fi networks, including sensitive information such as passwords and e-mails.

It’s no secret that law enforcement officials and security forces the world over can or will soon be able to hack into anyone’s Facebook, Skype or e-mail accounts and collect data such as private conversations, photographs or status updates to gather information about suspected criminals.

The trouble I have with this is: how do officials decide who is a potential criminal or terrorist? Do they use racial and religious profiling? For over twenty years, key-word technology has been developed as part of state security. Mention the word “bomb” or similar such terroristy word over the internet, the phone or in a text or e-mail and a little red flag is raised somewhere on a server.

Of course, most of the time it’s a false alarm. Nevertheless they must be looked into, which takes up time and resources. And the technology has to get more and more sophisticated as the years go by, because more and more people are getting connected and internet traffic is growing exponentially year-on-year.

The anarchist in me would suggest that everyone should put the word “bomb” in every single e-mail you send out and say it on every single phone call you make, and if millions of us do it, it might make their servers explode and their operations director commit suicide.

However, the real threat to our privacy is not just Facebook, but the whole kit and caboodle. Facebook, Twitter and Google and the millions of app developers and advertisers watching your consumer habits. Turning your computer on or using your mobile phone means that you are leaving a trail of your behaviour on servers all over the world. Your IP address. Your friends. Your shopping habits. Your Google searches. Your location. You think that just because your “add your location” option on Facebook is disabled that no-one will know where you are?

Puh-lease, biatch.

Everyone’s cellphone is a tracking device. GSM technology allows network providers to track the location of a mobile phone using cell tower triangulation methods. Even if you have a Nokia 3310.

Most passports are now so-called biometric or electronic passports. These passports contain RFID chips which can be read from up to 30 feet away, enabling your personal information to be read and updated on a central database without your knowledge whenever you are travelling with your personal documents. And those are just the RFID chips we know about. There may very well be others that we are not aware of, hidden away in things we would never suspect.

Calls can be tapped and Facebook/Twitter communication can be logged. Even Voice-Over-Internet Protocol (VOIP) calls such as Skype can be monitored, recorded and traced.

I would say that Twitter is becoming a larger threat to privacy than Facebook. With the new revamped version of Twitter, conversations between groups of people can be seen and analysed, and multimedia platforms are available on separately-developed but interlinked applications. The more worrying aspect of Twitter is that most people’s Twitter accounts are public, meaning anyone can see them, whereas the vast majority of Facebook accounts are protected by privacy settings.

Some people can Tweet up to 100 times in one day, leaving nothing about themselves to the imagination but the regularity of their bowels. That means that just about anyone can get a good feel of who you are, what you do and what your political stance is just by reading your Twitter feed.

Naturally, there will be a mindless sheep here somewhere saying, “but if you haaaaaven’t done aaaanything wrong, then you don’t have aaaaaanything to fear.”

Well, you smug little anal-retentive government-employed drone, you are more plastic than flesh and bone. Every normal person has something to hide, whether it is a big something or a small something. Everyone has committed some kind of a sin that they wouldn’t want the entire world knowing about. Everyone is guilty of something and hopes that they are clever enough to fool the world into thinking that they are moral, law-abiding citizens. There is no such thing.

The wonderful thing about life is that mistakes and bad judgement can be left in the past and there is always the opportunity to turn over a new leaf. But that was before governments got all 2.0. Now, nothing will be forgotten.

In the United Kingdom, the deceptively-named “Interception Modernisation Programme” (IMP) will require all mobile phone and internet service providers to collect and store the "traffic details" of all internet and mobile phone use in the country. In the face of several concerns about this legislation, there have been a sudden slew of terrorism scares, from a crazy old lady who stabbed her MP to printer ink cartridge bombs defused “seconds from detonation” at UK airports. Convenient, eh? I get the feeling that the laws will be pushed through in the wake of the Islamophobic hysteria, as it always is, and we are once again stuck with a law that has stripped us of our privacy and placed us inextricably in the Orwellian sphere.

Statistics released by the British government suggest that under the Regulatory Powers Act of 2000 (RIPA) – meant to combat terrorism - one in every 78 people is placed under state-sanctioned surveillance each year, with well over half a million official requests to access private information by councils, police and other officials in 2008, for infringements of the law such as benefit fraud, illegal fly-tipping and bringing a dog into the country illegally.

And the worst part? People who were found to have done nothing wrong, not even to have breached a council by-law, are not entitled to be informed that they were the subject of a surveillance operation.

Between CCTV, credit and debit cards, cookies on our computer, wiretaps on the phones and RFID chips in our documents, the net is closing in on Joe Soap, not Osama bin Laden. And governments all over the world are using terrorism as an excuse to ensure that no deed, good or bad, goes unpunished. And of course there is reality television to keep us all glued to the box while our civil rights dissolve like ice in the Sahara desert.

The next time Facebook asks you “what’s on your mind?” I’d suggest you think twice before you tell it the truth.

Why writing takes time, patience and a vow not to commit murder




Being a writer is often a thankless job. It entails many hours of isolation, swearing at your computer screen and any living thing that moves around you and insomnia. Insomnia is a big part of being a writer.

Wordsmiths are also supposed to conform to the fine traditions of drinking surreptitiously from a hip flask and wearing a wide-brimmed floppy hat to let everyone know how eccentric you are, but being religious-ish I have yet to take up the drinking part and the wearing of a scarf interferes tiresomely with the big floppy hat idea.

My original point was that it is for the most part, unrewarding and wretched. And there is no shortage of people telling you to “hurry up” and get published. Which makes me want to stab them with a rusty ice-pick. But there are those brief moments that make it worthwhile, like finding the R100 note that I stashed in an old jacket pocket a year ago (most writers live below the bread line, and I am no exception) and the day I got the email from StoryTime’s editor, Ivor W. Hartman, telling me that two of my short stories had been nominated for selection in the literary e-zine's second anthology of short stories, African Roar 2.

I always knew that if I took up writing fiction, the road would be a long, empty monstrosity with many potholes and misleading signs, sort of like driving in the Tshwane Municipality formerly known as Pretoria. I prepared myself for millions of rejection letters and editors’ secretaries slamming the phone down on me. That’s how the industry rolls and I’m not in a hurry.

The only problem is that I wish someone had told that to my nearest and dearest. It’s almost as if someone put the evil idea into their heads that I would be an overnight success and that I would suddenly be transformed into a multi-millionaire, giving television interviews, accepting awards and cutting red ribbons inexpertly at opening ceremonies. The worst part is when they start mentally spending the non-existent money from a non-existent publishing contract for me. I’m talking beach houses and speedboats.

The two stories I mentioned earlier are both very special to me. “Trapped” was the very first short story I ever wrote and within ten minutes (figuratively speaking) it had been accepted for publication and was generating a lot of discussion and awareness about the problem of woman and child abuse in South Africa, an issue which is close to my heart.

“Longing for Home” was a story I put a lot of work and attention into. It centres around a young Zimbabwean girl, who, sent to England to study towards a degree, finds herself the sole breadwinner of a large extended family when violence erupts back home in Zimbabwe. It is a story of broken expectations, an African sense of duty and finding love in unexpected places.

So please feel free to read my two stories at the links above and you can also check out some of the other fine offerings by my fellow StoryTime writers. If you liked my two stories you can vote for them here – select Trapped by Hajira Amla – StoryTime#77 and Longing for Home by Hajira Amla – StoryTime#91, then scroll down to the bottom and click on the Vote button. Finding out my stories have been selected to go into the anthology would be one of those sweet, sentimental moments a writer waits for. My lower lip is ready to tremble theatrically any time. Voting closes on the last day of September 2010!

Thanks
Hajira

Facebook and Twitter: are you optimizing your social media strategy? [SPOOF]


There are times when I feel I must educate the masses about the proper and correct use of Facebook and Twitter as a medium for making friends and impressing people. Some of you are just not doing it right at all.
So for the socially inept, here are some pointers:

1. Use the right language

Some of you are putting full stops and vowels into your communication. This is unacceptable and so last century. Wen itz tym t0 tlk 2 ppl, u r sup0sd 2 b v edgy n kewl lyk dis. iT aLS0 hElpS iF U tYpE LiKe thIS. No-1 knws y.

2. Don’t hold back so much
Your friends on Facebook and Twitter WANT to know the size, colour and consistency of the vegetables you threw up in the car after a hard night’s clubbing over the weekend, what your boyfriend of two seconds whispered in your ear on the backseat last night and what emo feelings you are going through because your daddy pays more attention to his lady friends than to you.

3. My friend is your friend
This is a free world. You are more than welcome to hijack my Facebook status and verbally attack any of my other friends who comment on it, including people who are old enough to be your mother.

4. Stalking – the new way of saying I love you
Guys love it when young girls ignore all the security and privacy advantages of Facebook and have their Wall and Photos available for the world to see. It makes it that much easier to stalk you and groom you until you are ready to perform certain acts that could make you famous in the video entertainment industry. Go for it – experts say making porn can build self-confidence among the young ladies of today.

5. Tag, you’re it!

Please, by all means, upload a random picture of a fat woman with camel toe to pollute my news feed. And just in case I am unlucky enough to miss it, tag me in the picture, so that when my other stalkers friends look for pictures of me, they think I look like Gabourey Sidibe in a thong.

6. The Farmville Mafia
Everyone loves Farmville. Everyone loves Mafia Wars. Hopefully, if we invite every friend we have onto these apps repeatedly, there will be no need to live in the real world any more. We can farm by day and kill one another by night. Yeah.

7. Invitations
The University of London Fresher’s Events, The Bomb Squad, Stop Randomly Poisoning Dogs in Seychelles and I HATE TYPICAL INDIAN HARROW/KENTON/KINGSBURY BOYS & GIRLS!! These groups are awesome. My life is now so much more fulfilled and meaningful. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me.

8. Justin Bieber
I love it when #hornyforjustin is trending and I get to find out how many of the people I follow on Twitter are closet paedophiles.

9. Trending topics
Trending topics are such an insightful tool into the current affairs of the day. “I wear flip flops, even in the rain #BecauseImAGangsta”. Yes. Because all gangstas wear flip flops. In the rain. That’s what makes them gangstas. And after all, discussing why you are a gangsta is so much more important than politics or poor people getting killed in Kashmiristan. Or summin’ or nuffin’.

I hope that this list has given you a clear insight into the many, many benefits of social media. If you can think of any more of the benefits, please feel free to add them in the comments.

Oh no! The Game Drive has been postponed!


If I have been very quiet lately it has been because I have been hard at work trying to organise the game drive for the children’s home at the Sultan Bahu Centre. However, things have not gone quite as according to plan as I would have liked and the major stumbling block has been around finding a suitable date for the event to take place. The Sultan Bahu Centre is going to be quite busy this September between all the craziness of the last ten days of Ramadaan, Eid celebrations and then the children must all be packed up and sent to Durban for their annual holiday over the school holidays.

The only free weekend that the children would have had would not have worked for the Krugersdorp Game Reserve as weekends are generally quite busy for them and they would have to provide us with a game ranger to go with us on the bus through the reserve. So after tearing my hair out and making lots of waily-waily noises, my dear friend and fellow organiser on this project, Zakiya, gave me a bit of a slap (metaphorically) and told me to calm the hell down.

“We can do it in October, what’s the hurry?” she said calmly.

And I realised that the timing wasn’t really that important and that trying to get everyone to do everything on such short notice when it wasn’t convenient for them wasn’t the right thing to do in the first place. So insha-Allah it will indeed happen when everyone is ready for it to happen.

So to everyone who volunteered donations or items for the party, please hang on to that bag of crisps or that packet of paper plates for a little while longer while we reschedule this event. There is no point in cancelling it since so much of the groundwork and organisation has already been put in place. Plus it is for such a good cause that I must persevere.

So thanks again for the support and please remember me in your duas. I will keep everyone updated as soon as we have the new date finalised.

Regards
Hajira

List of items for game drive lunch – donations needed!



As I’m sure you know, Fasting For Change is making arrangements to take a group of children from Sabera’s Children’s Home on a visit to the Krugersdorp Game Reserve the weekend after Eid, insha-Allah. This is one of the initiatives we are embarking on as part of the task challenge and as the saying goes, the devil is in the details, so we are working extra-hard to ensure that the children have everything that they need for the day.

So many wonderful people are involved with making this project a reality that I can gladly no longer call it my own task any more – it has grown into a collective effort that everyone involved can be proud of.

One of the things we will need help with is providing lunch for approximately 50 people (33 children and the rest would be the organizers, caregivers and media) so if there is any item on the list you can possibly provide, please let me know.

- Salt & pepper sausages
- Fresh rolls
- Coldrinks & juice
- Disposable plates and cups (donated)
- Mineral water (donated)
- Tomato sauce (donated)
- Mustard sauce (donated)
- Cupcakes (2 batches donated)
- Potato crisps (donated)
- Any other easy-to-serve confectionery or treats are welcome

Obviously you would have to live in or around Johannesburg to donate these items. All food must be strictly halaal. As I receive pledges to donate I will update the blog with a (donated) sign. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help.

The Quran, the environment and my view of city life



"And the earth We have spread out; set thereon mountains firm and immovable; And produced therein all kinds of things in due balance.

"And We have provided therein means of subsistence for you, and for those whose sustenance ye are not responsible.

"And there is not a thing but its treasures are with Us; but We only send down thereof in due and ascertainable measures.

"And We send the fecundating winds, then cause the rain to descend from the sky, therewith providing you with water. Though ye are not the guardians of its stores.

"And verily it is We who give life and Who give death: it is We who remain inheritors.

"To Us are known those of you who hasten forward and those who lag behind.

"Assuredly it is your Lord who will gather them together for He is perfect in Wisdom, Knowledge."

Holy Qur'an 15:19-25



Nothing can compare to the beauty of the Qur'an. This morning before Fajr I came across this and it gave me a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the widsom of these verses that describe how everything placed by Allah swt on the Earth is set in a delicate balance, that he gives us resources on the Earth to use for our subsistence, but that everything should be used in its due measure.

Look at the amazing description of the fecundating winds, rich with seeds to be spread over the soil and the rain that is sent after it to make the seeds grow and provide us with drinking water. We are also pointedly reminded that Allah swt is the sole guardian of fresh water - neither our scientific knowledge or our technology can avert a devastating flood or bring an end to drought.

The Qur'an tells us that our natural surroundings are Ayat (signs) but that most take no heed of them. It is when I am surrounded by natural beauty, at the coast or in the mountains, or looking at a beautiful night sky, that is the time I feel the closest to Allah swt. I feel a beautiful sense of peace that washes over me, a wave of joy, a feeling that everything makes sense. I am at my happiest at these moments. I want to jump up and down and laugh and shout a declaration of love to the sea and the mountains and the sky. Which is considered strait-jacket behaviour among most individuals, but as long as I stop doing it before the police arrive I should be fine.

You can never have that feeling in the concrete jungle, where its inhabitants can be vicious, violent and vindictive. Kind of makes wild animals look like bunny rabbits in comparison... If I had to choose one or the other for companions, I know who I would choose.

Three great task ideas from @tasoo


I received a wonderful e-mail from @tasoo on Twitter (follow her, she knows things about people just by touching their avatars) and she has some really great ideas for her three tasks, which she kindly permitted me to share with the rest of you. Behold the greatness below:

Asalaamu alaikum

Firstly, I'm thrilled to be part of this, its a fabulous idea. My three changes are

1. Community-joined Sister 4 Sister campaign. I am paired with a student from Baitul Ilm and we will be completing a task a week together until Eid. We sent off our 'getting to know you' letters today, and tasks will include things like feeding a fasting or needy child and praying for each other. We will then get to meet each other on the last iftaar insha Allah.

2. Environment-well these were ideas I had before I read about your FFC project. I have bought fabric to make shoppers, really nice ones in funky colours. Now I'm just battling to find someone to sew them for me. The idea is to empower a person who does not have a job or needs a supplementary income - its not easy, but I know I will get there. And I'm also starting a herb an veg garden to promote healthy eating and also save some dosh :)

3. Spiritual-a para a day (not easy with 2 kids) and my 4 year old wants to be taught 'how to write quraan'. My goal this year is to spend an hour alone every day and think only about Allah and why I'm fasting.

Shukran

Will keep you updated

Tasneem

Fasting For Change – finally, a decision on my three tasks! [Updated]



Ramadan Kareem to everyone out there that is about to embark on a month of fasting, praying and generally trying to get closer to the Almighty. Everyone who has signed up for Fasting For Change holds within them a desire to achieve something a little different this year. As I’ve said before, I don’t want to go through the obligatory motions and then end up feeling disappointed or disillusioned that I didn’t do all that I felt I should.

I wanted to get into the true spirit of Ramadan and for me it’s not about isolating yourself from everyone and just fasting, praying and reading the Qur’an. It’s about doing all of the above and sharing the positivity from it with everyone else you come into contact with. It’s about not being grumpy when some inconsiderate individual does something that would ordinarily make you lose your temper. It’s about not spreading stories about others. It’s about not just paying your zakat into a charity, but rolling up your sleeves and saying “what else can I do to help?”

So for all those people who are genuinely going to set themselves three tasks this month with me, I say may the blessings of Allah be with you and may He open doors this month for you that you never dreamed were possible.

When it came to my own three tasks, I procrastinated a bit (my best skill) and then I got into the whole self-doubt groove (which is also something I do frequently at almost Olympian levels), but the day before the 1st my brain mercifully kicked in again and a massive idea struck me. I got on the phone and schmoozed a bit and the results have astounded me – people started offering assistance and I was blown away by the way that things just came together in my lap.

So the three tasks I have picked for myself are as follows:

1. Spiritual: well, I decided to change this one after realising that my seven-year-old daughter puts me to shame in the Qur'an recitation department. She already knows about three times as many Surahs as I do. So I have vowed to make her teach me some (whether she wants the job or not). Some of the easy ones. So I am going to resolve to learn as much as I can and let you know how my slow silly muggaj fared. Hopefully, my daughter won't hand in her resignation for this job before the end of the month.

2. Environmental: plant a small vegetable patch in my garden in a small step towards self-sustainability. Mostly I chose this one because I can’t bear paying R20 a kilo for tomatoes and R10 for a cucumber.

3. Humanitarian (with a touch of environmental too): take the kids from the Sultan Bahu Children’s Home on safari to the Krugersdorp Game Reserve for the day.

I still have to meet with Oom Japie Mostert from the Krugersdorp Game Reserve to finalise the arrangements for the kids, but it is most certainly in the works and is being planned for a few days after Eid-ul-Fitr.

This trip will be wonderful in so many ways. The children will have a fun day, they will get to learn about nature conservation and any media interest generated from the trip will be directly beneficial to the Game Reserve which has suffered the loss of all their rhinos from poachers as well as their hippos being under threat from the Acid Mine Drainage toxic water tragedy in Johannesburg.

If anyone can offer any help in terms of transport or food for the children, please contact me, but please kindly note that we will not be able to accommodate extra people on this trip as space is extremely limited, although I imagine anyone that would like to come along and pay the Game Reserve’s entrance fee for the day would be most welcome.

So now you all know what I am planning to do – I am waiting for all of you to tell me what you plan to do now! And remember to encourage friends, family and colleagues to join in too…

Happy fasting!

Hajira

What Islam says about caring for the environment


The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, "Ramadan has come to you. (It is) a month of blessing, in which Allah covers you with blessing, for He sends down Mercy, decreases sins and answers prayers. In it, Allah looks at your competition (in good deeds), and boasts about you to His angels. So show Allah goodness from yourselves, for the unfortunate one is he who is deprived in (this month) of the mercy of Allah, the Mighty, the Exalted." [Narrated by Tabarani]

I’d like to think that Fasting For Change isn’t only about Muslims doing something good during the month of Ramadan. I’d like to see people of all faiths and from all types of backgrounds join us on this endeavour. And I would like to see it as a rallying cry to all my fellow human beings out there to pull our heads out of the sand and realise that some of our habits as consumers and members of the society we live in are unsustainable and inequitable.

Do we really need designer labels and V6 engines? When the time comes to settle down and build our own houses, is it really necessary to live in a six-bedroom mansion?

Is there some way we can build that will take less of an impact on the environment around us and consume less energy resources? Why shouldn’t we say no to genetically modified foods in our supermarkets? What can we do to touch the life of someone who really needs empowerment?

Islam prescribes kindness to all animals

"There is not an animal (that lives) on the earth, nor a being that flies on its wings, but (forms part of) communities like you. Nothing have we omitted from the Book, and they (all) shall be gathered to their Lord in the end." - Qur'an 6:38

This verse clearly explains that every kind of animal in the wild lives in communities with social structures just as humans do, and implies that they are not so different from us after all, thus deserving of our respect and protection. The last sentence is clear in its meaning: just as human beings will be raised up on the Day of Judgement, so will all the animals be returned to the Creator.

“We were on a journey with the Apostle of Allah(s), and he left us for a while. During his absence, we saw a bird called hummara with its two young and we took the young ones. The mother bird was circling above us in the air, beating its wings in grief, when the Prophet came back and said: 'who has hurt the FEELINGS of this bird by taking its young? Return them to her'.” - Narrated by Abdul Rahman bin Abdullah bin Mas'ud. Muslim.


This hadith demonstrates the empathetic nature of Muhammad (s) towards all living beings and shows that we should not only worry about the physical well-being of animals, but their emotional well-being as well and that we should not upset the natural order of things.

And another hadith states that:

“The Prophet(s) was asked if acts of charity even to the animals were rewarded by Allah. He replied: 'yes, there is a reward for acts of charity to every beast alive.'” (Narrated by Abu Huraira, Bukhari, 3:322. Also Muslim, Vol. 4; Hadith No. 2244.

Islam entrusts care and protection of the environment to human beings

Allah says: "Lo! We offered the trust unto the heavens and the earth and the hills, but they shrank from bearing it and were afraid of it and man assumed it Lo! he is a tyrant and fool." Qur'an 33: 72


“Corruption doth appear on land and sea because of (the evil) which men's hands have done, that He may make them taste a part of that which they have done, in order that they may return.” Quran 30:41

The Qur’an often discusses the beauty and majesty of our natural surroundings and orders us to pay heed to them as a sign and a warning: the sky, the stars, the moon, the sun, the seed, the rain, the oceans and the mountains are all mentioned repeatedly and we are asked to understand the signs that are in them. But how can we be appreciating these signs if we are systematically destroying them?

Another injunction in the Qur’an is against waste:

“But waste not by excess: for Allah loveth not the wasters” Quran 6:141

With six billion souls alive on the planet, jostling for resources, can we really afford to be so wasteful? Islam forbids us to waste water, food or spend of our wealth on unnecessary things. Each one of us is responsible for wasteful behaviour and we will be held accountable for it spiritually.

Reward for those who strive for good

"When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to My call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way." Qur’an 2:188

This Ayat was revealed to Muhammad (s) to let his followers know unequivocally that Allah is with us, listening to our pleas for help. He is also reminding us that although he does personally care for each of us, we also have a responsibility to reciprocate that love by trying to do the right thing in all aspects of our lives.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) in a Hadith, quotes Allah as saying:

"When a worshipper moves closer to me by good virtues and voluntary acts of worship (nawafil), I will be his hearing by which he can hear, I will be his eyes by which he can see, I will be his hand by which he can act, and his feet by which he can walk. If he asks Me [to give him] I will give him what he wants, and if he asks for protection I will protect him." (Al-`Asqalani, 1959: 11, 341)


So it is obvious that Islam is not just about going through the motions of obligatory prayers and other things which we feel we have to do. It is about giving of yourself freely and striving to be a better person and making the world around us a better place. By doing this we attain a closeness with Allah that is akin to Oneness.

On that note, I wish all of you a Ramadan Mubarak and I urge you to take this opportunity to do three things: one that will benefit another human being, one that will help the environment and one that will uplift and refresh your own soul. Let it be a springboard for changes in your life long after Ramadan 2010 and let it be the line that ties you to your Cherisher, Sustainer and Provider.

Encouragement from Greenpeace Africa



I received an encouraging e-mail from the guys at Greenpeace Africa this week with some advice on how to make green lifestyle choices:

Hi Hajira

I think it's amazing that you guys have embarked on this amazing project and including the environment is even better, Climate change is the major issue currently and whether people believe it or not it's happening. we recommend that you initiate an energy efficiency program for you and your group where everyone gets to calculate how much energy they use and if it's all necessary which we call an Energy audit.

Once they have seen how much they use and what is necessary people can then start using less and the energy they do use will be used efficiently and another audit can be done to see how much money and energy has been saved. The key is to start with yourself and then transfer it to those around you. I hope this helps.

Thanks.

Tshepo Peele
Outreach Coordinator
Greenpeace Africa

Task Suggestions from Maulana Aslam



Today I popped on over to the Sultan Bahu Masjid in Mayfair to have a chat with the imam, Maulana Mahomed Aslam Suliman, who is generally an all-round cool and likeable fellow (I should know, since he performed my nikah a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…). Oh, and just as an aside, I don’t follow any particular madhab, I just appreciate religious organisations such as this one for the good work that they do in the community.

He was pleased to hear of the Fasting For Change initiative and happily filled me in on the events the masjid has got planned for the upcoming month of Ramadan as follows:

* Distribution of 500 food hampers to the needy

* Haleem distribution every Saturday during Ramadan between 3 to 5 p.m.

* Iftaar food distributed to approximately 300 men every night in Ramadan

* L’tikaaf program for approximately 30 men – sehri and iftaar meals provided

* Food hampers are also made by the learners at the Sultan Bahu Madressah and given out at a special assembly during Ramadan

* The Sultan Bahu Centre also runs a children’s home for approximately 25-30 orphaned children from a wide range of ages and family backgrounds, and clothing donations are welcome for these kids, as well as any other initiative we might want to take to fill their lives with a little more love and attention.

* Appa Zaybun runs revert classes every Saturday between 10am and 12pm, any enquiries regarding helping out that particular class of ladies can call 011 837 6185.

As far as helping us out with our spiritual task, Maulana Aslam suggested that we check out some of the special programmes being held during Ramadan which include the following:

* Q&A session with Ml. Aslam every Sunday after Zuhr salaat

* Talks and lectures held every night (for the men only, unfortunately) in the last ten nights of Ramadan after Taraweeh.

The Maulana and his team at the Sultan Bahu Centre do lots of good work, so if you are thinking of helping out with any of the above initiatives, please contact him on 011 839 2025.

If anyone knows of any other special talks or programmes being held anywhere in Johannesburg, Durban or Cape Town that Fasting For Change participants can attend – especially those that include or are specifically geared towards ladies - please put the details up on our Facebook page.

Thanks

Hajira

The Fasting for Change Challenge



After my last blog post on what our aspirations and goals should be over the fasting month, it occurred to me that setting some real, thinking-out-of-the-box goals for the month might be just the thing to get us in the right mood to experience a Ramadan unlike any other. So I’m challenging all my blog buddies – Hamish, Queen Lestat, Azaad, Azra, Zakiya, MJ, Saaleha One, Saaleha Two, Fatima and anyone else on Facebook and Twitter who would like to participate.

The challenge is thus: pick three tasks which have to be done during the month of Ramadan which would make a positive difference to the world, no matter how big or small. Ask friends and friends of friends to do it with you, and then blog about it or if you don’t have a blog, send me an e-mail and pictures describing what you did. I will have a link to all related posts on my blog and we will from there be able to calculate all the good that has been done.

The end result? Before Eid we will have completed a knock-on effect project that will have contributed towards making a real difference, for ourselves, for others and for the environment.

Why three tasks, you might ask? It would be the goal to do a good deed in three distinct fields to make it well-rounded: humanitarian, environmental and spiritual. It doesn’t have to cost you money or take up huge chunks of time. Just three little things that you think might make a difference for the better.

I have compiled a list of suggestions in all three categories to help get the ball rolling, but lots of heads are better than one, so add your own suggestions in the comments below for anyone to use as they wish.

Humanitarian

- Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity to build eco-friendly housing for those who need it most.

- Bake cupcakes or other edible goodies and give them to children who don’t ever get the chance to enjoy treats like this.

- Donate old clothes or toys to welfare organisation or children’s home

- Rustle up some educational toys and children’s books to a crèche or primary school

- Ask Age-in-Action if there is an old age home in your area that could benefit from a visit

- Collect teddy bears for the Teddy Bear Clinic for abused children

- For the school-kids: get people to sponsor you for each day that you fast and donate the money to your favourite charity

Environmental

- Plant your own vegetable garden in time for spring

- Plant an indigenous tree

- See how far you can cut down on your use of plastic packaging, harsh chemicals and energy in the home

- For the creative talents among us: make innovative, funky designs out of junk like this

- Boycott BP – I have said it many times on my Facebook page, but I don’t think it can be said enough – the company that is responsible for spilling five million barrels of oil since April 20th in the beautiful Gulf of Mexico and ecologically sensitive wetlands of Louisiana. Don’t buy their petrol and don’t go to the convenience stores – if the forecourt owner had half a brain, he would already have switched brands to another oil company by now.

- In addition to fasting, why not try to go vegetarian for a week? Eating beef, lamb and chicken has a high impact on global warming due to methane pollution, plus growing the amount of grains to feed these animals contributes directly to deforestation. Eating fish also has a negative impact on ocean life, as overfishing is a problem shared by just about every country in the world, including South Africa. There are plenty of tasty vegetarian dishes out there that could just make you want to give up meat forever.

- Don’t buy plastic bags when you go shopping – they are only partly biodegradable and the ink they are printed with is highly toxic to the environment. Rather invest in long-lasting material bags and take them with you every time you go shopping instead.

- Join Greenpeace and the WWF and become online activists.

*I am also waiting to hear back from Greenpeace Africa for a list of environmentally-friendly tips and possibly some field activities where we could get directly involved. When I get that I will add an update on to this section.

Spiritual

- Attend a halqa or taalim class at your local mosque. You might discover you don’t actually know everything there is to know about your religion

- Get connected to the religious leaders in your area you feel comfortable with and attend talks and lectures.

- Participate in mosque activities and think of ways to get families more involved in the masjid. I was invited to a Shia mosque in the UK during Ramadan and I was blown away by the level of spirituality, participation and togetherness enjoyed by men, women and children alike.

- Write about your spiritual thoughts and experiences during Ramadan. Use the opportunity to share positive stories. Dig deep and confront some of the big issues which are challenges to us as South African Muslims: race, caste, gender issues, extremism, societal ills, greed and wealth.

- instead of stuffing yourself at iftaar time with unhealthy fries and oily curries, why not get personally involved with distributing wholesome food to needy Muslims at iftaar time and eat with them?

For all the cynics out there (viz: those who like to crack wise-ass comments and then go back to fantasising about iftaar time), this is NOT an attempt to jump up and down and say, “look at me and how good I am!” – but rather an opportunity to start something that galvanises us as a group of people into action as opposed to inaction.

This month of fasting and prayer are only the beginnings of the realisation that we are more fortunate than others out there in this world. And yes, we can donate money to charity, something which many of us will be doing before the month is out. But throwing money at a problem can’t always be the solution – there need to be individuals behind the resources who are committed to giving their time and energy to changing the status quo.

Please put your name down in the comments to indicate your willingness to participate and tell me what you are thinking of doing. Get creative and remember it’s all for a good cause. Remember, it’s not fun unless you take pictures (and no disgusting comments from the tuppenny seats please – I know your filthy minds)! If there are enough people on board to make it interesting I will create a Facebook page and let everyone post their own pictures and links.

An honest look at Ramadan: finding hope



For many Muslims, Ramadan means different things. It comes around once a year, and each year we find ourselves in a different place than we did the year before. We may be in different surroundings – it may be somebody’s first year as part of a married couple; someone else’s first year as a divorcee. Perhaps it is someone’s nervous first fast in a strange town where they are away from their family, and maybe someone else across the road is feeling reluctant to deprive themselves of food for 30 days.

Somehow though, we always find ourselves hoping that this year will be better than the last. We always promise ourselves in the days leading up to Ramadan that this year we will take the opportunity to be much more pious, we will sit and read Qur’an, we won’t engage in gossip or slander, we really will keep ourselves from getting angry and we will be sitting on that musallah each time the Azaan sounds, five times a day.

By the last week of Ramadan, reality has bitten hard and I think most of us feel quite ashamed to look at ourselves in the mirror because we are all dying for the last ten days to go by already. What amazes me is that there are those who lie through their teeth and say that they are enjoying the last blessed ten days just because that’s what everybody says. Fasting is not the Oxford definition of fun - it’s supposed to be a test that gets harder as your body gets older and more decrepit each year.

Every year we tell ourselves that this is the year we are going to make that positive change for good, that when the month is over, that the Qur’an won’t ever be gathering dust again up on the top shelf, that those skinny jeans will not win over more modest clothing, that we really will indeed this year stop smoking for good.

Then Eid day comes around, and by the time the Zuhr Azaan sounds, we have already forgotten that we promised ourselves we would become permanent five-time namazis.

Round and round we go, each year, making the dizzying transition from gangsta rap to Qari Ziyaad Patel and back again in a matter of weeks. Where does it all end? Will we just stop making the effort one of these years?

There are a number of things that I personally don’t do during Ramadan. I don’t rush through the Arabic Qur’an, with no idea of what I’m reading, just so I can khatam it x amount of times in the month. I don’t spend my day slaving over a stove so that I can lay on a fantastic spread for my family that will go to waste because our eyes are bigger than our stomachs. I don’t spend the month pretending to be more pious than I usually am on any other month in the year. I think those kinds of things defeat the object of what it’s supposed to be about.

To me, Ramadan means a lot of things. Indeed, for me, Ramadan takes on a different meaning every time it comes around. Every year it has taught me a singular, clear lesson, and I believe it does so for everyone who allows themselves a little genuine introspection instead of mindlessly going through the motions and rituals just because everyone else is doing it. If you use Ramadan as a true litmus test for your faith, Allah will surprise and reward you every time.

The fasting month is the holiest of all months in the Muslim calendar. The first surahs of the Holy Qur’an were revealed in this month to the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) and it continues to be a month where problems are resolved, truths are revealed and beliefs strengthened.

Even if you didn’t accomplish all those things you said you would do during this month and after it, if you came out of it with your imaan strengthened, even if only slightly, wouldn’t you consider your spiritual self to have won a victory against your physical self, even if it is only a small victory? It means you live to fight another day; that you continue to strive towards the Creator despite the difficulties you face.

The philosophical essence of Islam is “surrender” – complete and utter acknowledgement that Allah is the disposer of all our worldly affairs and that He will not forsake us if we ask Him for help, nor give us a burden greater than we can bear. There can never be peace without trust.

I hope that all of you have a blessed Ramadan this year wherever you are. Asalaamu alaikum!

Breaking the blockade of Gaza. One dead body at a time.


This morning I woke up to news that made my stomach churn with anger and utter disbelief. The Freedom Flotilla, a convoy of nine boats carrying aid to Palestinians living under siege in the Gaza Strip, was attacked in the early hours of Monday morning in international waters by Israeli security forces. Video cameras streaming live showed the moments the Israelis being lowered down on ropes from a helicopter gunship, while heavily-armoured warships flanked the aid boat on either side.

The men that came on board from the helicopters were armed to the teeth with automatic rifles, bulletproof vests and night vision goggles. It must have been the most alarming sight to see them descending from the ropes, fingers on hair triggers.

The activists on the deck of the Mavi Marmara, the lead vessel in the convoy, were obviously frightened but determined they would not go down without a fight. There was an ensuing melee. I did see an activist give an Israeli a good couple of thwacks with a folding chair, just like they do in the fake wrestling programs you see on TV. But I never saw a wrestler get shot dead for hitting someone with a chair.

As yet, the Israeli government has still not confirmed the exact number of dead, but sources have put it at 19 thus far, with up to 60 people wounded. The remaining activists were escorted to the port city of Ashdod in Southern Israel, where the wounded were taken to hospital and the others were held in a makeshift detention camp where they would be processed and probably deported later. The 10,000 tonnes of aid in the boats would be unloaded, checked, searched and slowly “dripped” into Gaza at the mercy of the Israeli government. Dangerous and subversive contraband, such as cement, would not be allowed into the Strip due to a ban already in place.

The Free Gaza Movement organised this flotilla with the aim of breaking the siege that has been strangling the people of Gaza for three years. The group was comprised of approximately 700 pro-Palestinian activists from over 50 countries, including a Nobel Laureate and several European legislators (including a Turkish MP who was found to be one of the victims killed in the military operation).

However, the Israeli Army (I refuse to call it the Israeli Defense Force) would have you believe that the people who organised the flotilla are part of a “radical Muslim organisation” with ties to Al-Qaeda and Hamas (yeah, like my grandmother. If you had to believe the Israelis, only that Muslim gal who was a stripper before she became Miss America doesn’t have ties to Al-Qaeda, and that’s probably only because she doesn’t wear enough clothing for her to conceal a bazooka underneath).

Andy David from the Israeli foreign ministry would like to convince you that these people “were not there to deliver peacefully (sic) humanitarian aid. They were waiting with knives, with metal bars. They were there to attack.” The Israeli Deputy Foreign Minister, Daniel Ayalon, referred to the Freedom Flotilla as an “armada of hate and violence”. And to think that they pay their PR people top dollar.

Other spokespersons from the Israeli Army tried to defend their trigger-happy behaviour by saying that the activists were waiting for them and they were “lynched”. Because that’s what peace activists do. And the Israelis were so defenceless and afraid for their lives. They are also obviously too underfunded and backwards to have heard of tear gas, rubber bullets or crowd control training.

I hate that anyone had to die or even get hurt for this, but if anything, it will make Joe Bloggs more immune to the brown stuff that is constantly being spewed out of the Israeli PR machine. It also shows the power of social media. Twitter and Facebook have been overloaded by today’s events, and I’d like to think that ordinary folk have made a difference in bringing the issue home to all of us. Today, we shared, discussed, argued, re-tweeted and got information directly from the ground.

That’s the kind of democracy and freedom of speech that counts, but it’s also the kind that the leaders of the “free world” don’t really like because it can’t be edited to suit them. Today, the Israelis found themselves on the back foot while trying to bluff their way out, and everyone in the world has called their bluff.

Tuneless Muezzins – criticism IS fair



I read an interesting article today on how Istanbul’s muezzins, after a slew of complaints from local residents, have been sent for voice training classes to ensure that they are able to give a melodic, spiritual Azaan in the correct tempo for the correct time of day.

So why can't we send our South African muezzins for voice training? I don't mean to be offensive, but some of our muezzins here in Johannesburg sound like zombies on tik. If Hazrat Bilal RA could hear them droning on as though they were doing the world a favour, he would be turning in his kabr.

Reading Azaan is an honour and a privilege, and yes, it is a task which many of the modern” in-name-only-Muslims” would never have time to do. It comes with a great sawab, but also a great responsibility.

Done correctly, it has the ability to make the heart of a human being yearn with willingness to prostrate before his Creator, burst to seek the understanding and wisdom of the Universe and bleed at the sheer beauty and inexplicable sadness of the call itself. Done incorrectly, it can make the die-hard Jamat-wallah want to bury his head deep into his pillow and beg for mercy.

At least in Istanbul one can actually complain about a tuneless Azaan and be taken seriously, but any voices of dissent here are drowned in a sea of stubborn dismissals from the ulema as follows:

“Can you do it better? You are welcome to come and try.”

“The muezzin is making a sacrifice in his old age to get up for Fajr and make Azaan. You are being rude.”

“Why are you mocking your pious fellow Muslim who is doing a service to Allah?”


Being “funny” about it doesn’t change the fact that the guy is croaking instead of singing and is turning the faithful into munafiqun instead of turning the unbelievers into Mu’mineen.

When Hazrat Bilal RA gave his last ever Azaan at the funeral prayer of Rasulullah SAW, it was so filled with deep spirituality and love for Islam and the Prophet of Allah that none who stood in the courtyard of the mosque at that moment was untouched. Tears ran down the Jamat’s faces and sobbing filled the courtyard.

Every muezzin should aspire to re-creating that feeling among the members of the Ummah who hears the Azaan. Muslims in South Africa are descended mainly from Indians in Durban and Johannesburg and in Cape Town from Malaya and Indonesia. Correct me if I’m wrong, but people from India are known for their ability to belt out tunes.

Once I heard a Jummah Azaan that was given by an old man who sounded as though he was in sakraat. Halfway through the thing, he came to a stop and began to choke very loudly over the loudspeaker and everyone on the street stopped what they were doing, fearfully wondering if he was going to die mid-Azaan. Luckily, he lived to croak another day.

Why is it that as South African Muslims we have lost our pride to such an extent that being a Muezzin is a “dirty” job, suitable only for old men who have retired and are waiting for death? Or might already have died, judging from some of their voices.

Perhaps another point to raise is that as parents, do we only aspire for our children to become doctors and lawyers, and leave the religious jobs to the retarded ones whose only other option is working in “Deddy”’s hardware store? So is your faith in the material life of this world or in what is awaiting us in the Aakhirah?

Non-Muslims who live among us in our communities must hate us so, so badly.

The question on my mind is: are we ready to change the way we represent ourselves as Muslims in this country? If we put our minds to it, we too can get a trainer to help our faithful old muezzins hit the high notes and train some younger ones the correct way.

Glossary of South African / Muslim terms for Americans and other people on tik:

Muezzin: is a chosen person at the mosque who leads the call (azaan) to the five daily prayers (salat) from one of the mosque's minarets (in most modern mosques, electronic amplification aids the muezzins)
Azaan: the Islamic call to prayers, given five times a day from mosques
Tik: Methamphetamine
Munafiqun: sing. Munafiq – one who is a hypocrite, mocks other Muslims behind their backs
Kabr: the grave
Aakhirah: the hereafter or afterlife
Sakraat – in the throes of death, on one’s deathbed
Mu’mineen (sing. Mu’min) – Believers in the One God of Moses, Jesus and Muhammad (peace be upon them)
Jamat – (collective noun) the attendees of the prayers at mosque
Jummah – the Friday noon prayers
Ulema - religious leaders and scholars
Sawab - heavenly reward

Dear United States, How can we take you seriously?



On the heels of Saturday’s attempted bombing of Times Square, Washington has announced the detention of a scapegoat US citizen of Pakistani origin, Faisal Shahzad.

According to the US Attorney-General, Eric Holder, the suspect returned from a trip to Pakistan, bought a Nissan Pathfinder, rigged it amateurishly with propane, fireworks and ticking clocks, then paraded around in front of CCTV cameras so that the authorities could get a good look at him before running off and trying to board a plane for Dubai.

This is so hilarious it almost made me slap my thigh. Almost.

On Sunday, New York’s Mayor and head of the NY Chapter of the Illuminati Michael Bloomberg said in a carefully worded statement: “We Al-Qaeda didn’t do it. We are sure of this because we didn't instruct the CIA to do it there is no evidence to support this claim”.

After the City Police Chief, Raymond Kelly, revealed that police were examining CCTV footage of the bomber, he told the media that he was looking for a “white male in his forties”.

Now they are telling us they caught the evil, naughty, Pakistani Islamist just before he could run away to Dubai. He’s not white. He’s not even 40. He’s a brown-skinned 30-year-old guy. Way to go, NYPD!

Now, I’m no naughty, evil, smelly Asian terrorist, but I have a couple of brain cells to rub together. If I were to think of planning something like this, it kind of stands to reason that I would want to cover my tracks a bit if I was planning to make an escape and not commit suicide like most of the CIA-programmed sleepers terrorists do these days. Would I use my own car with registration plates and VIN attached, proudly proclaiming to the world who the car belonged to? Uh, no. Would I make a bomb that hissed, emitted clouds of smoke and had CLOCKS THAT TICKED????? Good Lord! Would I then arm the bomb and walk around in a famous place with lots and lots of surveillance cameras for all the world to see me? Uh…. No. Would I bother to do it at all if all it was going to was maybe make a little fireball? I’d rather just run a couple of people over with the car, it would be more effective, and this being New York City, maybe no-one would even notice.

So you see, America, perhaps if you got your story straight in the first place, people might be more inclined to believe you your lies. Almost makes us blind sheep miss Richard Nixon, doesn’t it?

Marriage: flatulence, warts and back hair.



Women spend a lot of time looking for their soulmate. The “One”, the proverbial knight in shining armour, the man with the golden member. Whatever. Guys might think they’re looking for the “One” (you know: cooks, cleans, is contracted to wipe your mother’s backside when she becomes too old to eat solid food, etc. Oral sex is a plus.), but in reality, most guys will settle for whatever they land up with, as long as it has nice breasts.

The truth is, there's no such thing as a soulmate. There's simply a process that must be followed in marriage, and not everyone has the stomach for it. Sometimes the mixture goes green and has to be thrown out.

Guys don’t often look at the long-term picture here. Breasts hardly ever last forever - even the fake ones. Usually they are so surprised that a real live woman lets him touch her, he will, after enough nagging, settle down and have 2.5 kids. Trouble is, Married Utopia is like cheese – it may taste pretty nice, but after a while it gets stale and eventually, slightly furry. Especially after 2.5 kids.

Women have a knack for working with what they have. They will take that weedy underpaid office clerk and make him into that knight in shining armour, or he will die trying. Women see men as malleable lumps of clay, waiting to be moulded into a desirable shape with a late model car. She dutifully reminds him daily of his shortcomings and inspires him to be a richer, more successful man who will give her more money. She never gives up until he has become a tortured shadow of the dream she married. Still, by the time she has it, it is hard to deny the fact that he is balding and farts when he is nervous.

Men, on the other hand, tend to get disheartened quite easily. Just one year into the future, your glamorous sexy wife is transformed into a lumpy, misshapen mutant that either cries when you touch her or leaks milk out of her breasts, which, incidentally, used to be the object of desire of all the guys but now resembles uncooked dough in two long plastic bags.

So, you’ve been married ten years and your husband has avoided all your attempts to murder him and collect the inheritance. You’ve twice caught him texting other women and he now has enough scars and just enough brain cells left not to try it again. Your kids are big enough to start becoming their own people, and you have both realised that they are the kind of people you don’t really want to know. Getting to that plateau is the key. It is only then that the two of you will finally unite in mind, cellulite-stricken body and capitulating soul. The war is over. It is time to call a truce, wax each other’s backs and avoid your kids at all costs.

Addicted to the Matrix



“Hi, my name is Hajira and I’m addicted to the Internet.”

“Hi Hajira!”

Phew, you say to yourself, that cow is finally getting the help she needs. You might be right about the cow part, but the only problem is that the support group is an online one…

It’s a common problem faced by many of us – we spend so much time on the internet that our relationships, activities and work in the real world come off second best at times.

Remember the real world? The place where you could reach out and grab somebody’s hand, feel the blood pulse beneath the skin? The place where you could be reasonably certain that your friend is actually a young lady and not a middle-aged man who breathes heavily and keeps the Kleenex handy whenever you post a new profile picture of yourself?

I think the only thing that keeps us coming back to the real world is food. When we can eat food on the internet, we won’t ever bother to press the disconnect button.

That sign on the door that says “On lunch - back in 15 minutes!” will be staying up much, much longer than that. Even the prospect of real, sweaty, fumbling sex can be passed up these days in favour of, ahem, “researching” one’s more taboo proclivities in a much more glamorous format.

Recently, a Korean couple who starved their baby to death while they looked after a virtual baby at the internet cafe showed the world how far this thing can go. Just give them a bowl of shark fin soup in their virtual world and they wouldn’t have even resurfaced to find out that they had killed their own kid.

So now there are only three categories of people who still exist in the real world. They are as follows:

1. “Celebrities” – these people have to go into the real world to have pictures taken of them passed out in the gutter with their underwear around their ankles. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be famous for anything. They do occasionally pass their time in cyberspace by having Twitterfeuds with other "celebrities".

2. Politicians – often found running amok (impregnating random women, embezzling taxpayers’ money, running over joggers, etc.) in the real world because everyone else is in cyberspace stalking other people they don’t like and playing Farmville.

3. Poor people – these people don’t have computers so we think their opinion doesn’t really matter until we realise it’s election time again. Can often be found burning tyres in service delivery protests, but still can't be expected to think outside the box when putting a tick in the old ballot box.

On the other hand, living completely in the virtual world might mean that we get to eat whatever we want and still stay virtually thin. If they develop a decent mutton biryani then I’m buying myself a plot of land in Farmville. Hyuk.

Child licenses



Just recently I have had cause to question the ability of the human race to rear children decently and responsibly. I therefore propose that we implement legislation to enforce child licenses. Psychiatric evaluations, home inspections and competency tests should be compulsory on prospective parents to ensure that children brought into this world are brought into it by loving caring people who will give children stability and love.

It’s difficult to adopt a kid, right? There are all kinds of procedures involved to ensure that the orphaned child in question doesn’t end up being abused by the adoptive family, trafficked into a child sex ring or enslaved. So where are the checks on people who just go the easy route and just manufacture them themselves?

Unless you are Angelina Jolie or a person who is infertile but really desperate to have a child, you are not going to adopt. Why go through all the trouble and paperwork to prove that you would be a fit parent when you could just knock yourself or your partner up?

The sad reality is that all the sick paedophiles and child abusers out there are parents themselves and are quite happily using their own children as punching bags or pawns in their little sick games. So if we are really so concerned about preventing child abuse, why not implement child licenses?

The social services in any country can only step in AFTER some kind of terrible, noticeable abuse or neglect has taken place. The damage is already done by that time. There is no cure for a child who has been abused, so why are we not paying attention to prevention?

Children grow up to be the society of tomorrow. Today’s society is already filled to the brim with the damaged children from yesterday’s abuse.

Positively positive: the buck stops here



There are many different theories floating around out there about the meaning of life, why we are here, what the hell forty-two has to do with any of it, et cetera.

Whatever your personal or religious beliefs, whether you are a by-the-book religious type, a New Age spiritual sort, a hedonistic atheist or anything inbetween, I think the one thing we cannot possibly argue with is that life is hard. It sucks sometimes. Of course, then sometimes it doesn’t, but there’s always that moment when you think, “really? Does it really have to be this stupidly hard?”

Perhaps it would be better to think of life as a great video game, filled with tough challenges and levels. Only you don’t get given a bazooka to blow up anybody that irritates you and sadly, you only have one life.

Whether you live in a shack or a mansion, you will be faced with challenges and burdens. No-one has the right to say that their life is harder than the next person’s. It is also stupidly pointless to play the blame game. We could all blame our parents for traumatising us beyond repair by making us listen to Billy Ray Cyrus singing “Achy Breaky Heart” on repeat in the car all the time. All the time!

But this is not about me. Whatever gave you that silly idea?

If someone did something to hurt you in the past, you can’t carry on living your life until you have truly forgiven that person. Some things can’t be changed. Sometimes we have to accept a reality that we don’t like.

If you live with any bitterness or hatred in your heart for any person, situation or event, it begins to define who you are, and the negativity slowly seeps through into every aspect of your life, your being and your attitude.

We may not be able to change what has happened in the past, but we can change how we react to it. It is not an easy process, and may take years to successfully achieve.

There will always be negative people in the world out there. You will come into contact with them, you will work with them, you may even have the misfortune of living with them.

Negativity is a chain reaction. Let’s say this morning you woke up and found that your neighbour (who found out a week ago that his wife was cheating on him with her best friend’s husband) smashed your car’s windscreen and put a sizeable dent in the bonnet with the half-brick he threw over your fence to shut your dog up in the wee hours of the morning. You get into a screaming match with him, he tells you he’s not paying for the damage and you go to work fuming.

During the course of your day, you get a quote for the damage to your car, which is astronomical. You snap on the phone to your colleagues, you bite the cashier’s head off at the bank because the queue was long, there was a big sweaty fat guy who had just eaten what smelled like a steak and kidney pie breathing down your neck while you were in said queue and your lunch break was over half an hour ago. Then, when you get home, you pick on your kids because they haven’t done their homework and get into a fight with your spouse because he’s not sympathetic enough when you start bitching about what a crap day you had.

All those people who you acted negatively towards during the course of the day, will in turn feel very wronged and injured and will proceed to take it out on the people whose paths cross theirs. Then those people will take it out on other people. And lo and behold, you have just spread a tsunami of low-grade negativity over the whole city in just one day. Happy now? Who can you blame it on? The neighbour? The neighbour’s wife?

The wave can stop with you. Only you can decide not to pass on the negativity to others by calming down, looking at the problem objectively and deciding that you are not going to allow it to turn your day into something brown and smelly.

You can do it – put a smile on that face and kill ‘em with kindness, charm and wit… and if you are having a rough day, just remind yourself that it takes thirty-six muscles to frown and none whatsoever to think to yourself “you’ll be dead from a heart attack in two years’ time, asshole”.

Ten reasons why it's awesome to be Muslim



1. You get the benefit of skiving off work on Friday afternoons long after you’ve finished at mosque. Unless you work for a fellow Muslim, in which case, you’ll be lucky to get fifteen minutes.

2. You get to play practical Al-Qaeda jokes on the conservative old couple sitting next to you on the plane.

3. You can name your kid Osama and take him to the park, saying his name at least five times per minute. Have fun watching all the non-Muslims clear out.

4. If you go out in traditional Muslim clothing, you will always have plenty of personal space, no matter how busy your surroundings are.

5. You can invite a non-Muslim colleague from work to your house for supper and tell your mother / wife to make the curry diabolically hot.

6. If you send your toddler to a pre-school where there are lots of non-Muslims (especially teachers), teach him to scream at the top of his voice “Infidel!” When the teacher gets around to complaining, you can look all innocent, shake your head and say, “Haha! I just don’t know where he picks these silly things up!”

7. You can brush up on your Arabic alphabet and write all your work notes in your own Arabic secret code. Anybody that works with you will be totally screwed.

8. If one of your colleagues does something requiring disciplinary action, suggest at the next office meeting that he / she should be stoned in order to save his / her immortal soul. The looks you’ll get will be worth it.

9. Make friends with a Jewish person and then tell everyone at work one week that you are converting to Judaism, then the next week tell everyone that your friend is converting to Islam. Then send everyone an email announcing that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is over.

10. Go to the office Christmas party and suggest that all the guys go to Teazers afterwards. When you arrive, pass all the strippers full-body burkas and ask them to put them on for the sake of your soul. Then ask for the Halaal menu.

Letters from the brink of madness



Yesterday, while my seven-year-old daughter was at school, I decided I would write her a little letter to tell her I loved her and leave it on her pillow for when she came home. After completing the letter (along with a very badly-drawn pumpkin in it), I decided to fold it up in the shape of a heart. She would really like it if I did that, I thought, seeing as how she is such a girly-girl.

Then the realisation struck: I had lost the ability to fold pieces of paper into hearts! Calamity! This is the slippery slope to old age, people, the slippery slope!

This made me think back to my high school days – yes, this was before the age of the cell phone, and yes, I really am that old, shhh! – when my friends and I used to write letters to one another, seemingly incessantly, then fold them up in our own unique ways and give them to one another, usually in the mornings before we all went to our separate classes or just before it was time to go home (that’s what Accounting was for - don’t you judge me!)

So I thought to myself, I should go into my little shoebox and go through the letters to see if there was a heart-shaped one there, and this would perhaps help me veer away from the seemingly-inexorable path I am travelling on towards Alzheimer’s.

I didn’t find any heart-shaped letters, but I did end up going through the lot and reading some of them. I laughed hysterically at most of them. I have always picked my friends on the basis of their kookiness. They have never, ever disappointed me on that level.

There were a few letters I opened that brought back some awful memories. Adolescence – it’s awkward, there are pimples and you mostly crave death. All the time. Mental note: have daughter induced into a coma from the age of 13 to around about 25. That should do it.

I thought I’d post a picture of some of the most interestingly-folded letters. Most of them are from Michelle. Coincidence? (Click on the images to enlarge)







It’s all gone pear-shaped…


It’s been nearly a year since I came back from England and the thing that’s probably the most terrible thing about that fact is that I haven’t really walked anywhere. For a year. Walking around in a mall just doesn’t count, and anyway, what’s the point of walking around a mall when you have a wallet that would resemble Kate Moss’ cranium if you opened it up and peeked inside?

I can’t afford the luxury of a gym – not even the dodgy ones you see in the movies where they have cockfights in the basement. Going for a quick run in the neighbourhood would be a cheaper alternative, but the problem comes in when the police have to identify my remaining body parts to notify the next of kin. Yeah, this is Jo’burg baby! Love it or hate it, you can’t run in it.

The point is, I haven’t exactly been very active of late, and when your primary function in life is sitting in front of a computer all day and the highlight of your week is driving down the road to Checkers for groceries, you are going to end up with a flabby, square butt. Things tend to atrophy, and then gravity takes over.

Okay, I’m probably lying – my trip to Checkers every week isn’t really the highlight, but it does come a close second. I also go to my mother’s at some point during the weekend, and when that happens, I invariably end up stuffing my face with Mother’s Food. So it gets worse.

During the week my lovely husband is fond of having chocolates, ice-cream and popcorn (not necessarily in that order) after supper in front of the television before going to bed. Naturally I participate in this tradition because I wouldn’t want him to feel lonely, eating all those terrible, terrible things by himself.

It’s pretty darn obvious from reading the above that I needed to make a bit of a change in the way I live. When I realised that I could no longer walk in front of the full-length mirror in the hall without my eyes closed, I decided something had to be done.

I’m not terribly large. I wear a size 10 (34). But the thing is, I’m really short. Like really, really, really tall to the negative power of 5 billion. Dwarves would be allowed on the roller-coaster before me. I’m 147cm tall (about 4ft 8in, I think). Twelve-year-olds tower above me. Ominously. That’s why, even though I now weigh 56kg, I still have to lose about 10kg to look proportionately normal.

To make matters worse, I’m naturally pear-shaped. I have hips that make Oprah look like a catwalk model. Well, in my mind, anyway. It probably looks worse when you’re looking down at them all the time. When I was around thirteen I woke up one day and boom! Hips for Africa. I’m still waiting for the boobs, fifteen years later.

But lately, when small objects started to gravitate to and orbit around me, I knew that the time for action had come. So, I started The Diet yesterday. So far, apart from a bit of muscle ache from jumping around in my lounge like an simpleton with a skipping rope, it is going pretty well, but it’s still early days yet.

When I start fantasising about biting Francois Pienaar dressed up as a giant Lays potato crisp, you might just see me standing at the traffic lights with a cardboard sign which reads: “will write Mills & Boon novels for lipo”. Please spare some change...