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Freedom fighter extraordinaire

WARNING: this blog post has been written from a sardonic point of view. If you find yourself running low on humour, please visit the SABC’s website and you should be fine after a few minutes.


I have been a veteran in the struggle against apartheid since 1993. Yes, the year I arrived in this country, at the tender age of twelve. As young as I was, I was nobody’s fool. Although I was slightly disappointed to be unable to see any Zulus throwing spears up at the aeroplane on the way to Jan Smuts airport in Johannesburg, I figured that since it was a public holiday, even Zulu warriors needed a break from throwing spears at the whites.

No, you would never catch a bright person like me, brought up in God’s own country (just to make it clear, this would be England), being ignorant about African current affairs. Although I will admit that when I heard the news about Nelson Mandela being released from prison after 27 years, I struggled to understand why everybody was making such a fuss over a convicted criminal. But I was only a pipsqueak of eight back then. To be sure, I knew by the time I moved to South Africa in ’93 that Mandela was a very dangerous man.

Since we were brought over by a white South African family with whom we were living, I had the advantage of being able to learn a lot about South Africa very quickly. Yes, I learnt all about the kaffirs, and how they were all ready to kill us in our beds and take our BMWs.

We had two maids, Pinky and Mabel. They used to speak Afrikaans very oddly, I thought, with all sorts of funny clicking noises and no-one could understand them when they did that. I gathered that it was some kind of secret code. Eugene Terre’blanche will tell you that there are enemies everywhere, and boy, was he ever right.

Since the elections were fast-approaching, there was little to do except instruct the women and children in combat shooting. We stocked up on baked beans and candles, sandbags and ammunition. We kids were told to practice re-loading firearm magazines until our fingers bled, for it was us children who would be relied upon to reload for the adults when the bloodshed began.

The time of the elections was nearly upon us, and we went on what could possibly have been our last holiday. It was a long and weary trek in our air-conditioned BMW down to Richards Bay, and we outspanned when we got to the lobby of the hotel. For some unknown reason I became embroiled in a political discussion with a black man sitting in the lobby. Fancy me, an educated Englishwoman of twelve, imparting my erudite political views to a savage!

Nevertheless, I asked him politely who he would be voting for in the elections, to which he replied he would be voting for the National Party (an old party from the times of apartheid and the last bastion of hope for the whites). I was very pleased with this man’s valour and common sense, and I remarked that the National Party was the ideal party to vote for, because as I put it, “things will stay just exactly as they are”.

I think that from the way the poor man's face dropped in utter horror, that he probably made sure that he was the first person in the line at the polling station on the first day of voting, and I’m almost 100% certain that the tick he made was next to the box that read “African National Congress”.

So you see, I really was doing my bit for freedom even back then, when I had more pimples than common sense.

Restless nights


It has been my second night straight without any sleep and about two or three weeks since I knew a proper night’s slumber. Yes, I have been bitten by the fiendish insomnia bug. The bags under my eyes are now large enough to accommodate all of Mariah Carey’s luggage, and I have changed my Facebook picture to that of a rather attractive-looking donkey. Yes, sleep is a fickle thing indeed.

The romantic in me suggests that during these restless nights I should be true to the writer’s stereotype and sit up until the wee hours of the morning, a double scotch in hand, cat on my shoulder and a shotgun on my lap, hacking away feverishly at the keys, but I don’t drink, the cat can be homicidally averse to being awoken from his carefree night-time slumber and I am sadly lacking in the shotgun department.

It is also challenging to be properly eccentric when you share a house with non-writers. The desire to sit up nights and slump into the horizontal position during the day may oft be looked at askance by the people and children in the house who expect to be fed at regular intervals during the day. Their clothes stand in ridiculously frequent need of washing, hanging and ironing, their dirty dishes pile up in the sink begging to be washed. This is the pitiful impasse of the female writer who is reasonably cognisant that her offspring should preferably not be removed by Social Services.

It is thus that I remain in bed all night, trying hour after dolorous, humdrum hour to find new joints to crack in a reasonably loud and satisfying manner, a myriad of inconsequential and mediocre thoughts stampeding inconsiderately through my echoing cranium. And when the birds begin their pre-dawn song and the call to morning prayer sounds, I may perchance thereafter fall into an inert, dreamless unconsciousness, only to awaken abruptly as the morning’s clamour begins.

To be a truly great writer, one should preferably be a convicted criminal and one should die an honourable writer's death - suicide, syphilis or consumption. I am working myself up towards all of these lofty goals, but in the interim I hope to get some sleep first.

Death of a Beatle


At around the very time that I was conceived, an event occurred that was to send the Western world into shock and mourning. On the 8th December 1980, across the Atlantic from the place of his birth - and the place of my impending life – John Lennon was shot in the back four times in New York City and was pronounced dead on arrival at the nearby Roosevelt Hospital.

It has been twenty-nine years since the death of one of the most successful singer-songwriters ever to have lived, but it is an anniversary I still comemmorate with countless others throughout the world. The Beatles have been the largest single influence on modern songwriters today.

I often ask myself what it would have been like had John Lennon lived to a ripe old age like Paul McCartney, but I know, and always have known that even at the age of 40, Lennon had reached his expiry date. Somehow, when I think of the song “When I’m Sixty-Four”, I can imagine Paul losing his hair, sitting by the fireside, but John Lennon’s existence was so full of creative angst and tortured emotions that it was almost impossible for him not to become immortal by dying a tragic death.

Growing up, my entire life from the age of about five was affected and influenced by the Beatles. My brother decided to take up the guitar at school, and our headmaster, Mr. Hill, was a huge fan of the Beatles. Simon came home from school one day with a tape Mr. Hill had given him, and I remember that the first song we listened to was Strawberry Hills. From that moment onwards our home in North Yorkshire became an effective shrine to the Beatles. When my brother taught me to play the guitar soon after he took it up, it was mostly the Beatles that we were playing.

I recall when he obtained a book which contained the concise anthology (music and lyrics) of the Beatles’ works. On the front cover were pictures of Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and Starr. There was something about Lennon, though, that was different from the rest, a piercing look that the others didn’t have. Simon asked me which Beatle was my favourite and I remember being devastated when he told me that out of the four band members, I had to pick the one that was dead.

As I grew up, my passion for the Beatles - their music and their lives - was never tempered. I devoured as much information about them and the period that I could lay my hands upon.

I know every single lyric from every single song. I wished and longed to travel back in time just to wallow in the glory that came from their songs being on the charts. This was perhaps one of the reasons I was such a loner growing up – I have always felt that I was born in the wrong decade.

Yes, Lennon is a true and typical immortal. A man with an intensely troubled childhood, he was determined to make his name in music. But upon achieving superstardom, the pressures and pitfalls of fame almost destroyed him. After leaving the Beatles in 1969, Lennon’s new identity and life as a somewhat unconventional anti-war activist, influenced greatly by his equally eccentric wife, artist Yoko Ono, brought him once again into the spotlight.

Just eleven years later his life was taken by an apparently deranged fan, Mark David Chapman, who had been stalking Lennon for months. The world continued to turn, the sun continued to shine and the mountains, for the most part, stayed where they had been put. But perhaps little pieces of Lennon’s soul flew into places where they could not be erased, and I would like to think a little piece of him embedded itself into the depths of the heart that would belong to me.

2009 in retrospect


I can’t believe it’s the end of the year, and it’s been a pretty strange one for me. It’s been one of mixed emotions, of failure and of success. I’ve explored some unchartered territories and been bloody scared out of my wits on occasion. But looking back, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

My daughter came home on Thursday with an excellent report from school. I'm very proud that she managed to adapt to a new school halfway through the year and managed not only to catch up, but to excel.

This year I finally come to a place within myself that gave me the courage to start writing, when I’ve known for years that it’s what I should be doing. And while I expected a slew of rejection letters, it came as quite a surprise that a number of my short stories have immediately been accepted for publication in various literary journals.

I’ve met some really wonderful people this year, and I’m all the better for knowing them. And for the people in my life that have not exactly turned out to be panaceas to my soul, I’ve let them go on their path while I’ve continued along mine.

While standing up for yourself and what you believe in is extremely important, this year I learnt that at times stating your position, taking a step back and just having faith is far more powerful than arguing and starting conflicts.

Speaking of faith, this year saw me take a huge leap of it in moving back to South Africa from England. And the person I was putting my faith in was my husband. Now, I’m not a soppy person, but I am allowed to have a moment once in a while. He has supported me through thick and thin this year, as always, and he never ceases to amaze me. For the good, kind, intelligent person he is, and all the things he does for me, I am truly grateful and he deserves all the kudos in the world. For being enthusiastic about my writing, for buying me ice-creams when I was fed up, for building me - with his own hands - my very own writing desk and making supper when he saw I was under the weather, thank you Ahmed, for the support and love.

As nice as being back in England was in some ways, being back in South Africa, which I consider to be my true home, is better. I have my wonderful, supportive parents; I have natural African beauty surrounding me, a beautiful home, I’m within six hours’ drive of one of the wildest, most breathtaking stretches of shoreline in the world and I feel a sense of freedom and joie de vivre that I could never feel in London.

I have also given up one of my biggest addictions – Tab. The Coca-Cola company is evil, I tell you. It has been one month and I’m going strong. This is coming from a person who thought that the only thing water was good for was showering with. Hopefully my memory will start improving now from the lack of aspartame in my system. That’s right – now I will actually remember conversations for longer than 5 minutes after they take place. I think I’m up to 6 now.

Bah! Humbug...


Many things irk me, indeed. And I am usually quite vociferous about them, so you readers already know that. Perhaps it is my British heritage coming out of the woodwork here, but I like to have a little moan and groan now and again. But I find South Africans, white, black, pink and purple, simply have no idea how to complain, and this leads us to being what I think is a terribly exploited country when it comes to consumer goods.

South Africa is a country governed by fat cats. And I’m not just talking about politics. We have allowed big business to make walking a**holes out of us. We are paying far too much for the following:

* Mobile phones
* Fixed line phones
* Electricity
* Supermarket food
* Banking

And those are just the obvious ones. We all know that we pay the highest mobile phone and fixed line phone charges in the world and by the time Eskom is finished with us we will be paying the highest electricity prices in the world. And despite ICASA forcing the cellphone operators to drastically reduce their interconnect fees by next year, I still don’t think that’s good enough.

You could be forgiven for naively thinking that Pick n’ Pay was a distant relative of Tesco in the UK. But I’ve shopped in both shops, and let me tell you where Pick n’ Pay is royally stuffing up. Tesco has a generic brand, a brand which covers just about everything from over-the-counter medicine to chocolates to electronic goods. These products are anything from, I'd estimate, 40 to 75% CHEAPER than the branded product.

This is (stay with me now, South African boys and girls) the whole concept of “we give it to you cheaper because the packaging is cheaper” thing.

So why do we accept Pick n’ Pay’s No-Name brand as being MORE EXPENSIVE than the branded products? And no, it really doesn’t taste any nicer. I have noticed this anomaly on a very wide range of products, from toilet paper to frozen vegetables. Where it is cheaper, it will just be a few cents below the others.

Then Pick n’ Pay has the famous trick of charging you MORE to buy in bulk than to buy the smaller items. Plus they put the bulk item on “special” to make you think it’s cheaper! They should be held accountable for robbing the man on the street for so many years. And it’s not only Pick n’ Pay, to be sure, but they are the ones who are the most blatant and unapologetic about it.

Now on to the banks. I hope that there is a special place in hell reserved for South African bankers. They charge you for everything – including just looking to see how much money you have. They charge you to withdraw money, to deposit money, to write a cheque, to deposit a cheque, to make a transfer, to receive a transfer, to draw a statement, to replace a lost or stolen card, to pay for transactions using your card, and I could go on and on forever.

In the United Kingdom, as bad as the weather is, you don’t pay for banking. Obviously you pay interest and charges on your debts, but that’s just about all. All the things I mentioned above that you have to pay for here in South Africa, are free there. Perhaps that’s why the banks nearly collapsed when we had the economic crash in 2008, because they haven’t spent years and years siphoning money off millions of people who don’t know any better. The South African banks didn’t even bat an eyelid when the recession hit here, because they were too busy sitting in their money tower and diving into the piles of cash like Scrooge MacDuck.

Capitec have recently come out with some ads criticizing their partners in crime peers in the industry for high charges, bad service etc. Their main selling point is that you pay zero fees when you pay for something using your debit card. Whoop-de-do. They still charge for everything else – I’ve seen the charges brochure.

As far as services go, I’ve never seen a country where business is so quick to swallow your money and then laugh at you when you expect good service in return. And don’t even think of asking for a refund – after two hours of listening to elevator music on hold, you’ll just end up having a tantrum like an overgrown 2-year-old because no-one calls you back or answers emails and they’ll still laugh scornfully at you. This is especially true for anything to do with the telecommunications industry.

Perhaps it’s not just a case of the consumer not complaining enough – maybe it’s the media we can place the blame on, for not drawing enough public scrutiny to this matter. And I think we can also blame the people we elected to office for not raising questions and putting pressure on big business on behalf of the ordinary citizen, but on their salaries they can afford to be ripped off.

The ten essential qualities of a real woman


One of the many things that bugs me is adult females who act in ways which I think disqualifies them from the honour of calling themselves real women. I wish I could have given myself this advice when I was in my late teens / early twenties. So here are the qualities that I think every woman should possess, in no particular order:

1. Take responsibility: whether you have kids, are in a marriage / long-term relationship, are working or studying, you need to take responsibility for yourself and any dependants you may have. Being older than 20 and expecting your family to pick up the pieces every time you drop the ball is not on. Feeling a sense of entitlement without earning it is rubbish on every level. If you can vote, you are responsible for your own actions. If you feel that your private life is nobody’s business but your own, don’t expect anyone to pay your bills or fix your mess if you stuff up.

2. Be reliable: of all the words you would like people to describe you with, “flaky” is probably not one of them. Don’t let people down, don’t be late for meetings, appointments, work or exams and perform tasks and responsibilities on time.

3. Show honour: as an adult you must see all people as human beings and respect them equally as such. Put other people first and put yourself forward as an upstanding member of your community, your company and your family. Don’t follow; lead instead.

4. Find your dignity: this is not self-righteousness. Dignity comes from others respecting you as a person, and you perpetuating that respect. If something negative happens to you, don’t react negatively. Don’t drag yourself down to the antagonist’s level. If you feel angry or hurt, try to keep a cool head, don’t spit out abuse and go somewhere to cool off before you respond to the situation. Also, expect others to treat you with dignity. Don't allow your partner to treat you unequitably. If he can't treat you right, it's time to move on.

5. Lose the drama: I have known of plenty of women (whom I have since "unfriended") of all ages who share their sob stories with everyone to get sympathy. Their Facebook and Twitter statuses are filled with sordid details of make-ups, break-ups and insults aimed at in-laws, bosses, colleagues and friends. But often, making your personal issues public to the world can only cause more conflict, because gossip spreads like wildfire. Ultimately, you will come off worse for being immature.

6. Give instead of taking: Don’t expect everything to always be done for you. People who work and earn without depending on others for bailouts generally are much more independent, driven, ambitious and successful. In addition to this work ethic, helping others in any way (it doesn’t have to be financially) helps you to be a more compassionate person. Being a selfish human being is not a particularly desirable or attractive personality trait. When you become more considerate and helpful, you will find people will be more willing to help you when you need support. Remember, being negative attracts people who will respond negatively in turn and being positive attracts people who will react positively towards you.

7. Empower yourself: Don’t be a vegetable and wallow in misery or boredom. Get out there in the world and have a can-do attitude. Always expand your horizons and be willing to learn new things. Even if your current circumstances prevent you from fulfilling a dream, there is always an alternative, another path to travel that will lead you towards what you really want. It doesn't mean you have to be a ball-breaking business executive, though. Whatever makes you happy and boosts your self-confidence is just as good. Don’t put yourself down and say you’re not intelligent enough. Prove your inner demon wrong.

8. Be comfortable being alone: Don’t ever, ever allow a man to affect your happiness. If for some reason your relationship doesn’t work out, don’t abase your dignity and crawl back to him just because you can’t see yourself without him. And if it’s really over, don’t go jumping into the arms of the next man that makes a pass at you. You are a human being in your own right and if you can’t stand the thought of being a lone unit, one whole person that doesn’t need another to survive, then you need to talk to a qualified counsellor to figure out why you feel invalid as a single person.

9. Accept blame: Don’t blame your parents or your ex for your personality problems. You are an adult and as adults we all have to accept responsibility for our actions as adults. Yes, all of us have mother and father issues, sibling rivalries, previous boyfriend/husband issues. I’d guess over half of the readers here would consider themselves having had a ‘tough childhood’ or ‘bad parents’. However, any person should be able to work through their issues, learn from them and become better people, not worse. It’s a poor example of a woman that blames someone else for her inadequacies when it comes to life choices.

10. Do what is right: No matter what our religious background or family dysfunction, we have all learned the difference between right and wrong. Period. There are no excuses for lying, stealing, committing adultery, etc. A strong moral foundation is essential to being a strong woman. You can pretend to be a good, strong woman, but if you keep breaking the rules and acting unethically, one day the truth will come knocking and you will be exposed.

We all need time and experience to reach maturity after leaving school. Some people, however, can die of old age before they get there. So beef up and take responsibility for your actions before it’s too late!

Oh, and in case any guys are sitting back in their chairs comfortably, smiling at this post, your turn is coming…

Sarafina III



(Click on the cartoon to enlarge)

It emerged on Wednesday that the South African Department of Human Settlements, previously known as the Department of Housing, has spent over R22,5 million rand on producing a play to "educate" people about their efforts. This ridiculous waste of money even beats the scandal provoked by the Department of Health's R14 million production of Sarafina II to educate the public about HIV and AIDS.

The previous minister, Lindiwe Hendricks (now the Minister of Defence), signed off on the play and its expenses during the 2008/9 financial year, despite the fact that the backlog of people waiting to receive government housing is so APPALLING it has backed right up to 2 million and the expected bill for fixing up existing shoddily-built RDP houses is expected to top R1 billion.

I'm sure the play was very effective in furthering the aims of the Department (to steal as much money as possible from the poor and place it in the pocket of the family member who produced the play). After all, it's only a recession...

"Every one of you is a guardian"


In a world of six billion people, survival is an important part of life. India is a perfect case in point; where in a country with a billion inhabitants, the act of merely getting a place to sit on a train has become something you could easily be maimed over. Capitalism, consumerism and industrialisation are the key proponents of inequality in democratic countries, but in all other types of economic models that have tried and failed, poverty and inequality have always been enduring problems.

Should the CEO of a large corporation be allowed to have a Lear jet and a castle in Scotland while the employee who manufactures his products in a Chinese sweatshop earns less than a dollar day? Is it right for an actor to get paid millions of dollars for appearing in one movie while 246 million children around the world are classified as child labourers? Should the entertainment industry be glorifying sex and the objectification of women when a million children are exploited by the commercial sex trade every year?

“Every one of you is a guardian, and responsible for what is in his custody. The ruler is a guardian of his subjects and responsible for them; a husband is a guardian of his family and is responsible for it; a lady is a guardian of her husband's house and is responsible for it, and a servant is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible for it." - Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. (taken from Sahih Bukhari, [Book #46, Hadith #733])


This saying indicates how far we have strayed from the natural order of life, responsibility, justice and humanity. Many guardians seem to have turned a blind eye while their wards are violated in plain sight.

This puts me in mind of another quote:

"The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues." - Rene Descartes


Money and the acquisition thereof is the primary objective of almost every human being on this planet. Even if we don’t like the system, we toil away at whatever we can to make a living for ourselves and our families. For people who live above the bread line, money is something we always need more of, because we are always desirous of the latest technology, a better car or our own home. Money is the primary source of stress, a leading cause of divorce and it makes those who have it think they are better than those who don’t.

Recently, I had the privilege of sitting in on an HIV workshop for refugee women and one of the things I noticed was the huge divide in desires between the haves and have-nots. The facilitator asked each woman in the room to say what made them happy. The non-refugee (and obviously better-off) women who were there to assist, like myself, said our families made us happy, or gave some arty-farty intellectual response to this question. But almost every single refugee sitting at that table said that two things made them happy; food and money.

"One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to." - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

So apart from a lot of talk and no action, what is the point of this post? Maybe to remind all of us that this is the world we live in. We may not be able to change it by ourselves, but walking past the person sitting on the roadside with our noses in the air, while we wait for our governments to sort out the mess is just plain hypocritical.

Maybe we need to find a way to pass on our skills, be they in agriculture, English, computer literacy or entrepreneurship to the people who need it most. Perhaps we need to mentor a disadvantaged person, or adopt an orphaned or abused child.

What we don’t need is another million-dollar talk shop for our leaders, where little or nothing ever gets accomplished.

"A good motivation is what is needed: compassion without dogmatism, without complicated philosophy; just understanding that others are human brothers and sisters and respecting their human rights and dignities. That we humans can help each other is one of our unique human capacities." - Dalai Lama


We also need to be so much more vocal about the things in our society that we know are unacceptable and unjust. Up until now, we have never spoken out. But laissez-faire may just be passé for 2010.

"We must rapidly begin the shift from a "thing-oriented" society to a "person-oriented" society. When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered." - Martin Luther King, Jr.


It’s foolish to think that one little blog post could change the world, or make this broken, overpopulated, sick world an altruistic utopia, but if we all exhorted one another to enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong (to paraphrase the Qur’an), perhaps we would be less likely to forget.

I will climb down off my soapbox now, but not before I leave you with these beautiful words of wisdom from the Mahatma:

"The Roots of Violence:
Wealth without work,
Pleasure without conscience,
Knowledge without character,
Commerce without morality,
Science without humanity,
Worship without sacrifice,
Politics without principles."
Mohandas K. Gandhi


Peace,
Hajira

La Sezon Kreol


I’ve never been rich. Ever since I was small I remember feeling very envious of all my friends in primary school who had televisions and telephones in their bedrooms and thinking I was the poorest kid in the whole school. We lived in a council house, had a black and white television in the lounge and didn’t have a telephone.

My mother sewed all my clothes and I envied the other children their Disney merchandise and the latest Barbie dolls, Cabbage Patch Kids and Care Bears. I coveted all these things wantonly and I was never grateful to my parents for the two times a year I would get a present – Christmas and my birthday.

Not that my brother and I didn’t have toys, but they were generally hand-me-downs. I used to look forward to seeing my grandparents or godparents because they would squeeze a couple of pounds into the palm of my little hand as they were saying goodbye. It was the best feeling in the world.

I’d never spend the money, unlike my brother, who would blow it all on sweets within a week. I would always carefully salt my gift money away together with my princely pocket money of 50p a week (which was payment for a list of household chores I did for my mother). When my money tin was full I would go down to the bank with mother and deposit it in my savings account. When I left England with my parents at the age of ten I had managed to amass a fortune of a thousand pounds.

Then my father used my savings in Seychelles because we were in a financial mess. Well, my parents did put me through school, feed me and clothe me throughout my childhood so I guess I am the one that still owes them.

I thought we were poor in England but Seychelles introduced me to a new world of poverty. We lived in a house (for want of a better word) in the middle of a rainforest. The “house” was made of tin, or corrugated iron, the walls and the roof. The floor was cold concrete. We had no furniture and my parents slept on the floor for a year and a half. My brother and I slept on deck chairs, the long type that can be set out straight. They often collapsed or snapped shut in the middle of the night, leaving crooked limbs sticking out unnaturally, bruises to be counted the next morning.

Our stove was paraffin and we had no fridge. We also had no hot water, so my mother would fill a large kettle and boil it, then put it in a large plastic bucket and we would wash ourselves like that.

When you live in a rainforest one thing you will get tired of very quickly is, er, rain. And humidity. If you wash your clothes and put them out to dry on the line little black spots of mould will form on them before you have a chance to take them down.

Even though I am still not well-off enough to stop having panic attacks about the end of the month, I now live in South Africa, and although it’s not first-world, we have all the amenities here (unless you are unfortunate enough to be one of the millions of people in this country who live in an informal settlement). But in urban areas, we do enjoy the trappings of modern life. We have televisions, fancy cars, brick and mortar houses, high-speed internet access, geysers, electricity (most days - ha!), refuse removal and all the rest of it. However, if you asked me which kind of life I preferred, I would take the rainforest in Seychelles any day over this over-sexed, over-stressed rat race.

The Seychelles is not a utopia. It has many problems associated with your typical third-world country. Corruption, nepotism, inflation, socialism with all its pitfalls and an unstable food supply are just some of those things. It’s tough to make inroads in a country where the entire population is about 75 000, everyone knows one another and they are distrustful of outsiders. It’s a bit like being a mouse living in a cattery.

However, it may just be one of the best places in the world for your kid to grow up. Mahe, the main island, boasts pristine white beaches around the coast and lush, diverse rainforests inland. The islands abound with unique flora and fauna which cannot be found anywhere else in the world.

Three languages are spoken in Seychelles – the native Creole, French and English. A working knowledge of French is recommended, but the Creole language is one of the easiest in the whole world. Imagine, no masculine or feminine! No “le” or “la”! What joy abounds in my heart! Everyone and everything is an “it”…

Every weekend, my brother and I used to explore the stream running past our house. We would take large sticks to break down the cobwebs (in Seychelles you get orange-and-black spiders as big as dinner-plates) that would stretch from one side to the other. We hopped from one rock to another while our dog Churchill would forge ahead in the icy water ahead of us, urging us on with incessant yaps of joy.

The rainforest was full of cinnamon trees, and the smell of the bark was indescribably delicious. I would often pick the hard, bright green leaves and break them in half just to drink in the smell of cinnamon. If I close my eyes I can still get the outline of the smell in my memory.

My mother’s parents had an estate near Anse Boileau, and everything you could possibly imagine was grown in that place. Jack fruit, oranges that looked like lemons, bread fruit, zamalak fruit (my personal favourite and unique to Seychelles), coffee, tea, coconuts, bananas, pamplemousse (a sort of sweet grapefruit) and so much more. The smell I associate with the estate is coffee beans, being roasted slowly in a large Marmite pot on an open fire by my grandmother.

Just a short walk and you were at the beach, where my uncle would go out in his boat, wearing only his underpants (cringe). Every evening he would return with the most beautiful fish you have ever seen or tasted in your life, lobsters, crayfish, crabs, octopus and small sharks. The fish would be grilled and served with plain rice and sometimes vegetables. My mother’s family’s estate was one of the few truly self-sufficient farms I have ever seen. The only foodstuffs they ever needed to buy were things like rice and perhaps oil and flour.

There are two things which were quite difficult to obtain in Seychelles – milk and potatoes. I hated milk powder with such a passion that I still can’t drink it today. I’m sure that these days the Seychelles Marketing Board imports long-life milk from South Africa or India, so I could probably live with that. And potatoes… how this little English child longed for fried chips! They tried to make chips from bread fruit, which was deliciously sweet, to satisfy my craving but to my mind it was, well, close but no cigar.

The schools in Seychelles are big on corporal punishment. My headmistress, Miss Lize, was a lady who, if you had met her socially, would never seem the type of person who would stalk the corridors with a large cane gripped in her dainty fingers, searching for a suitable child to beat the living crap out of, but there you go.

This is actually a huge improvement on my mother’s time at the same school I attended, Baie Lazare School, which was back in those days run by nuns. When you think of nuns, you invariably conjure up a picture in your head of humble, wrinkled, smiling old ladies doing the Lord’s work. But if you were to believe my mother, they were sado-masochistic agents of the devil, continually devising new methods of torture upon any children unfortunate enough to draw attention to themselves.

If a child was caught doing anything funny in class, his or her offending head would be cracked against the blackboard. If two of them were caught talking in class, two unfortunate skulls would be cracked together. Anyone caught speaking Creole instead of the more “civilised” French would be made to stand outside all day on one leg holding two large bricks up in their outstretched hands while the tropical sun beat down on them. Cries begging for mercy or water went unheeded and if the child lost his balance or dropped the bricks a public caning was in store.

Every day beatings were handed out left, right and centre, rained down upon hands, heads, buttocks and any other area of flesh available. This is probably why my mother was never very interested in pursuing an education.

It continually amazes me that my mother still thinks of herself as a devout Catholic. My experiences with the Church were enough to put me off for life, but she is a real keeper, for better or worse.

All in all, I am proud of my Seychellois heritage. I am proud to be a Seychelloise citizen. Not many people can say their country’s president visited them at their house. Hardly anyone can say they grew up in an island paradise. And very few people even know where the Seychelles is. They don’t know about our traditional Sega music and dance. They don’t know what it’s like to live off the land and make soup from clams dug from your very own beach. So perhaps I was not really poor, perhaps I was rich and just didn’t know it at the time.

©Hajira Amla 2009 – all rights reserved.

Ashes of a woman

She bears the burden no man can know. Her hands, dry and cracked from her toil, move busily as she bends over her ceaseless work.

A nursemaid, caregiver and nurturer to her children, constantly on call day and night, worrying, fretting, preparing. Wiping tears from their eyes when the children fall, dispensing wisdom, nerves fraying at silly questions and chores not yet done. Mending clothes, stretching the food, making do when all she wants is a time to close her eyes and be at peace.

Her own tears fall when solitude eventually finds her in a woozy, exhausted state, but there is no-one to wipe them from her eyes. As she pours the warm water from the cracked jug over her ravaged body, her mind still races with the thoughts of the children she must feed and shelter.

There were times when she thought that surely death would be a welcome reprieve from the endless violence, the humiliation and the pain of bruises and shattered bones left to heal themselves. From the pain of the petrol he poured onto her body and set alight, laughing at the sound of her screams of agony and the sight of her begging him for help.

She sees it anew as though it were yesterday. Feels the excruciating coolness of the water her son throws on her burning, smouldering flesh. His anxious young voice cracking with pity and despair. Being rushed to hospital and waking up with only memories of pain where her legs once were.

The police want her to lay a charge against him but her children beg her to spare their father. As always, the mother’s heart, not blackened by the flames that licked her flesh, succumbs to their pleas.

A burnt shell, she arrives back home to find out he has left her and is living with another woman nearby. Oh Allah, why do you test me with such hardship? How can I bear so much pain? Where is Your mercy? I am Your servant. Deliver me from this torture!

The wheels of the low metal trolley squeak and turn with excruciating heaviness as she uses her rough hands on the hard tar to propel her along the road. Each day she pushes herself into central Johannesburg to buy the brooms and mops she sells from her home to support her children. She does not complain any longer. She is still a woman, looking after her children, like all other mothers do. So does the phoenix rise from the ashes of violence.

Weak bladders, hot tempers and servitude


Sometimes when you are married and living in domestic bliss you get these moments where you could just drop what you are holding and move to another country. Change your name. Dye your hair. The little things that have been grinding you down build up to a point where you feel one day, “fuck it, this is not what I signed up for”. At least if I murdered all of them I would probably be out in five years. This is South Africa.

Now let me do the cliché thing and tell you that I love my husband. I certainly love my daughter more than anything else in life. And Lord, shoot me for bothering, but I love my step-daughter too. We have a fairly peaceful, happy home, all things considered.

Then WHY do they all make me so stressed I can feel my hair greying when they are at home? Why do I feel my boobs begin to sag after one hour around them? Why do I feel I can never win?

And no, it’s not that time of the month. I checked.

Every day I calmly tell myself that today I am going to be as cool as a cucumber. I’m going to be happy and walk around with a big smile. No matter what any of them say to me, I will not react negatively. I am a fucking island. It usually lasts five minutes.

Yesterday it all started when I went to pick up my daughter from school. Aayah is a total dreamer. She got into trouble previously because she forgets to go to the toilet at break and then asks to go during class. Then she will muck around in the bathroom, dreaming and singing to herself for perhaps fifteen to twenty minutes. Eventually when she gets back to class she has missed the whole lesson and the teacher and class get disrupted on her account.

So I did what any good mother would do - I threatened her on pain of… well, pain, that if she didn’t stop it there would be Consequences. And all was well in the land of Aayah for a while.

However, this afternoon, as I arrived to collect her, she was on her way back from the bathroom and the teacher informed me that she had again been going to the toilet during class constantly. I gave her a lecture in the car and we headed off to the library. As soon as we got there she started performing for the toilet again – even though she had just gone about ten minutes before. So she had to go to the public library toilet which smells of urine and in which there is no toilet tissue. OK. So now I’m at boiling point. After the library we went straight to Pick n’ Pay to buy bread.

“Mummy, I need the toilet again. I need it really badly.”

Wow. Add to that the everyday homework drama where half an hour of homework is transformed into three hours of telling her every five minutes to concentrate on her work and stop dreaming, punctuated by about ten trips to the toilet, and we have a mother that is ready to jump off a handy bridge.

So I ask myself: does she really have some kind of a problem with her bladder or is this kid just winding me up?

Then I come to the realisation that I am the bad one here. I just have no patience. Is there some kind of magical elixir, a pill perhaps, that I can swallow? “Patience in 5 minutes – guaranteed!” Wouldn’t that be deliciously easy…

Kids are just kids, and I need to admit that I have issues with anger.

The same hot temper gets fired up when my husband gets home. Everything he says to me, I want to jump down his throat for, and make him see that he is wrong and I am right. When I look at my own behaviour afterwards I see a fishwife staring me in the face.

I’m not saying they don’t all have their faults. But my need for control overpowers everyone, even the person I am inside. It’s as if I need everything to be so perfect it could be straight out of a magazine. I suppose that my past has left me with such strong feelings of helplessness that now I want to exert my will and authority over everyone to make sure I am never treated badly again. I expect Aayah to be perfect because I want her to grow up not making the mistakes I made.

Every night after I have put Aayah to bed I regret the harsh words I have spoken to her. I ask myself: today did I build my child up or did I break her down? Did I shatter her self-confidence? Did my kind words, hugs and kisses outweigh my shouts and criticisms? Just about every night I fall lower in my estimation as a good parent.

Today it has been a full hour since she came home from school and I have not yet shouted. I have calmly and patiently asked her to do her work quickly, promising to read her a story if she finishes before 5pm.

Wish me luck.

English skills



I know I live in South Africa, but I find it intolerable when I see people whose home language is English, who presumably at least studied English right up until Matric, fail so miserably whenever they put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). It’s like a pustule, a repulsive boil on my skin that I wish would go away but won’t.

I owe my career in journalism to the very fact that this irritates the living hell out of me. When I was twenty-one my provincial newspaper annoyed me so much with its constant spelling mistakes and grammatical faux pas that one day I picked up the phone and gave the Editor-in-Chief of the newspaper group a dressing-down for his employees’ inability to represent his newspapers in a professional manner. He immediately offered me a job as Chief Sub-Editor.

Microsoft Word Spell Check is not enough, people.

I was reminded of my pet hate when I read a local newspaper recently and saw with horror that the Editor’s letter was full of typical primary-school errors. Seriously, you shouldn’t be allowed to become a newspaper editor unless you have undergone some kind of screening test.

One cannot wish all Hindu’s a happy Diwali. That would translate into: you wish all Hindu is a happy Diwali.

And don’t you dare write that something is nerve-racking. It’s nerve-wracking.

Please do not say I could of, you should of, or they would of. It’s HAVE. I could HAVE killed you, but I won’t. You should HAVE paid more attention in class, but you were too busy passing badly-written notes around. They would HAVE passed Matric if they had studied English a little harder.

Back to the apostrophe. You can’t say “Put the hat back in it’s box”

That type of apostrophe is a contraction – it shortens a word.
It’s = it is
I’m = I am
You’re = you are
Can’t = can not
Isn’t = is not
Won’t = will not


And my personal favourite: people who write things like “John and Cassandra think their the cutest couple ever”
They’re = they are

Then we have people who have no idea how to apply words such as whom or shall in a sentence. I won’t even go there.

If you wish to provide your undoubtedly valuable opinion on something, please make an effort not to use the word “nice”.

Here is the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of nice:

nice
adjective 1. pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. 2. good-natured; kind. 3. satisfactory in terms of the quality described. 4. fine or subtle: a nice distinction. 5. archaic fastidious.
ORIGIN original senses included "stupid" and "coy, reserved": from Latin nescius ‘ignorant’.


Please do not read a classic piece of literature, look at fine art or go to the ballet and say that you thought it was nice. The word nice, as you can see above, has various meanings in the English language, and in any case, surely you can be a little more imaginative and use some other adjectives? Here are a few useful ones:

Interesting, moving, delightful, alluring, refined, resplendent, magnificent, marvelous, ideal, stunning, bewitching, tasteful, absorbing, provocative, exquisite, seductive, tantalising, winning, winsome, engrossing, electrifying and magnetising.


Many people hold positions where they are issuing written communications to others. Journalists, bloggers, authors, PROs, managers and marketers need to up their game in terms of their English skills because it not only makes the writer look bad, but also casts an unprofessional pall over the organisation they represent.

Everyone makes mistakes. They are unavoidable. However, everyone who is in a communications role should ideally brush up on their English skills, if only to avoid having to feel guilty when they read blog posts like this one. That would be NICE.

Through the looking glass


Sometimes when I'm reading news on South Africa, I think I'm reading a post on the satirical news site www.hayibo.com. I laugh away, reading the ridiculous quotes and story. Then, a few paragraphs on, I realise it's actually real. And people have actually said those things.

Julius Malema himself is a walking Hayibo post. Everything that comes out of his mouth is prime fodder for the writers. They don’t even need to change anything.

Take, for instance, the story where he refuses to be nominated as Drama Queen at the Feather Awards, accusing organizers of questioning his sexuality. Or the one where he calls IFP leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi a “factory fault” and the IFP a “terrorist organisation”

Everything that spews forth from the retarded brat’s spittle-flecked mouth is pure hatred. No-one is spared his idiotic vitriol. Today I saw a journalist had used the words “no-one is spared his sharp tongue”. I would hesitate before I said that anything connected with JuJu is sharp. His whole being is blunt, rotund and ignorant. The sharpest part of him is his bald, shiny, vacuous head.

But everything, from Eskom’s tariff hikes to the ANC spending millions on cars for their ministers, makes me feel as though I’m living in some sort of surreal topsy-turvy world where day is night and wrong is right. All it means is that the spin doctors are doing their jobs, I suppose.

The scary part is that the youth of this country support Malema, the government supports the electricity hike and no-one can do anything about the ANC’s spending spree. The dollar has weakened, petrol has gone down and South African stocks have strengthened, but the price of food and basic necessities still goes up and service delivery still goes down. And no-one is going to stop it.

Welcome

Here it is - a little corner shop in cyberspace where you can browse my top-quality rambles, rants and ruminations to your heart’s desire. But if you break it, you bought it. Shoplifters will be hung, drawn and quartered, like in the good old days.