Ten things I should have told my husband before we got married

I have taken up the challenge from the indomitable Hamish and compiled a list of what I should have put in the fine print for my poor husband.

1. I expect you to eat my delicious curries and cakes and get fat during the course of our marriage, thereby rendering you unattractive to all other females, while I munch on lettuce leaves and develop a body that everyone, male and female alike, would lust over incessantly (that was the plan, anyway. If I grew taller by an extra thirty centimetres and looked more like a supermodel, less like a midget it might have helped, too).

2. Rule number one: I am always right. Rule number two: I am never wrong. Rule number three: if in any doubt, please refer back to rules one and two.

3. Any chocolate of yours left in the fridge will be eaten while you are at work.

4. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, that can persuade me to listen to Bala and Peru on Lotus FM. Same goes for watching Scandal!, WWE Wrestling and the Steve Wilkos show. If you insist on listening to/watching any of them I will cut you.

5. I am an obsessive neat freak and minimalist. I will take all the things you have left lying around and squeeze them into your cupboard, even if it means your life is in danger every time you open the wardrobe door.

6. Don’t expect me to do anything manly around the house, like oiling locks or changing light bulbs. Do I pay you to stand around and look pretty?

7. I expect you to listen to my incessant prattle about various things, such as how my mother’s neighbour’s daughter ‘s boyfriend’s uncle’s gynaecologist is being sued for malpractice and repeat it back to me at a later stage as and when deemed necessary by me.

8. If I want chocolate, even if it is midnight, I expect you to get in your car and go buy me some. Otherwise a sulk of epic proportions (due to low blood sugar) will follow. I shall be forced to demonstrate peaceably. In which case there is bound to be violence.

9. If you fail to remember my birthday or our wedding anniversary and make a big fuss of your lovely wife thereupon, the police will never find your body.

10. Don’t make me come back there and beat you.